I am sitting on the edge today. If I fall to one side, I will stay in California - or try. If I fall to the other I will return to Pennsylvania indefinitely. I have an interview at 7:30 in Burbank. If it goes well, I stay. If not, I am at the end of my rope.

This week will mark the end of 7 weeks without a job. It marks the end of the savings that I struggled so hard to earn up. At this point in time I don't have enough money to live here another month. Previously, I was determined to stay in LA, but just today I finally feel ready to give up.

For 9 1/2 months I was stucks. That was very trying. After 8 of those months I had to live with someone who was kind enough to put me up for free even though they couldn't really afford it. That was also very trying and difficult. For the first 10 months in LA I didn't have enough money to live on my own or be independent. But I put up with and I fought. Now, after 4 more months, I am giving up. The economy is taking a dive - things are even worse here in California. Banks are failing, firms are making layoffs, the government is dramatically cutting its worse pay and has put a hold on all new hires, the local schools have taken dramatic budget cuts, and now Hollywood is expecting an actor's strike on the tails of the winter's writer's strike. Only Silicon Valley still floats - and that's north quite a ways.

And then there's the last 7 weeks that I've been out of work: I was sick for 2 weeks and I had to see the doctor twice. Temp agencies can't find me work (too few jobs, too many resumes), I can't find myself work. My car battery needs replacing. My computer's power button breaks and needs replacing and I don't have my computer for a week and a half. I can't get internet at my apartment. Then the water pressure starts slowly dropping at the apartment. My roommates now want to kick me out because they don't think I can afford to live there anymore. I have another foot injury. I take refuge at my family's house but there's always drama what with 12+ people constantly in and out and the risk of bankruptcy on the horizon. I get a ticket because a headlight is out on my car and I can't figure out how to pay it. Desperate, I take a little job doing occasional labor for a local rental company, but it doesn't pay much and the hours are few and the job sucks. So I apply every chance I get to as many jobs as I can find, getting only a couple of interviews that are mostly very far away and not anything I'd be any good at.

So finally I followed a good lead on Monday and found a job I really want. But today I'm tired and more crap keeps going wrong. The water heater is now not working at my apartment - I may have to help pay for that if we need a new one. The toilet also broke this morning and won't flush. The air conditioner seems to have stopped working on my car. One of my cousins is literally selling food on the street to try to cover his expenses. Most of my clothes are old and not in great shape. I've gained weight, I'm not very healthy right now. There aren't very many places I can go for solace - everybody seems to have big problems.

Monday is the start of Ramandan. Monday will either be the start of a new job, or my last call to the temp agency. If I don't have an interview that goes well by next Wednesday, I'm getting shipped back to Pennsylvania. I still don't like that reality - but it doesn't look so bad anymore.

Facing East

When the sun comes up there is no hiding from it. Its insistently bright, strong rays flood every crack of every room, and the deck is no exception.

It has been a short night. Despair took several forms - a lonely couch stowed in the dirt under the concrete overhang of the pool above, open to the wild canyon. A wolf-like wild dog whose breath awakened me but passed me by before I could even glimpse his tail. A bed on wooden slabs. Memories of a worse evening - in a different time, in a different place, much colder and more shocking to the senses.

But even the smallest amount of sleep causes the weariness of the heart to fade. Faithful watchdog Debbie comes by to protect me from the unseen canyon interloper, and upon moving to the deck in the early hours my old, most faithful Los Angeles friend creeps, curling up next to me and purring.

Everything is a reminder of where I am. Beautiful shades just before dawn broken up by an anonymous swimmer's curved arm and a quiet splashing of water. The swimmer looks somewhat small, their skin overcast by the slowly rising sun behind them. Is it Charlie, that crazy kid? Swimming at 6:15 am? Eventually I realize that the methodical laps could only be those of Liz, a friend, renter, and med student, devotedly exercising before returning to school for the morning.

The morning is peaceful, only the slight sounds of air, bugs, birds, and a man-made stream. A police helicopter flies loudly, low overhead, passing the top of the mountain slowly - reminding me that I was right not to walk home last night. I open my eyes occasionally and see the large meditation tree, reaching up beautifully into the morning sky, some branches dead, others waving with the life. This is the tree I have enjoyed looking up at from the deck and the pool when idling, thinking about life. Soon, the whine of a not-too-distant drill shoots up from the canyon . And a fly buzzes around me, landing on the sweaty, dirty clothes that I'm still wearing from the night before, capoeira cordao spilling out of my blanket.

And the sun shines warmer. Sleep still beckons, but my blankets have become a burden. I must get up. In a house that faces east, I must get up.

Ladies and Gentleman, I present to you, the empty Nutella jar. I finished it off just now. But it only makes me feel slightly better.

For the past 3 weeks I was prescribed a diet in which I could eat no raw fruits or vegetables, no whole grains, no spices, and no chocolate. Can you imagine how much a diet like this sucks after about the 4th day? I have become a blubber butt.

I also have no job, despite working for a temp agency.

The weather has been hot and I've had cats harassing me late into the night. I get very little done, and seem to keep running into annoyances - Igot a flat tire; I got a "fix it ticket" for which I must navigate the complex and expensive LA DMV; I misplaced my ipod, an earring, a shirt (but found them); my contact prescription ran out; my car alarm stopped working; and just now my car battery seems to have died.

I guess these things are all just hurdles, really. But add them in to the mix about what really kinda gets me down in LA and it's kinda harsh. I don't fit here. It's hard even to enjoy lonliness. I have no where that feels like home and I can't find anyone who's very similar to me. Instead I look into the jarring face of constant differences - ones that people don't seem to like to overlook.


Anyway. I'm going to go sleep underneath the pool and probably cry since it's not really safe for me to walk home right now and do that...

The view from Highland Park

Summary of the past 4 months: Got a job through a temp agency (see previous post), got a temporary new place to stay, got a car (big hassle, but I've got a nice one now -pics on Facebook), got a more permanent apartment, worked for 3 months, temp job ended, and I managed to save a little cash so I'm not totally desperate going on 3 weeks without work.

But I am bored. Hence I have been slowly taking care of the chores that I should have taken care of previously when life was too hectic: getting my CA driver's license, renewing my contact lenses, organizing my stuff, starting to study Portuguese again, and updating all of my online obligations. And there was also a little bit of a health dilemma, which I will only begin to be less handicapped by this coming Thursday. It's a crappy diet, what can I say (no raw fruits or veggies, no whole grains, spices, or chocolate).

It's strange how I tend to get less done when I don't have a job than when I do. I guess I just can't easily set up a pattern for myself that I feel any strong compulsion to follow. Consequently, I get easily derailed by things like soreness or crazy cats. I'm not exaggerating, there are two cats where I currently live and all night for the past two weeks one sits outside my room all night after about 3 am and meows. And it's meow literally sounds like it's saying "hello? Hellooooooo..." (only it's a car so it's more like "rero?"). And then sometimes it jumps and crashes into the window by my head.

Anyway, I have decided to focus my current life around traveling. My goal is to get up enough money, do the research, and take off for a little while. Ideally, I'd like to go on the Hajj, then, if possible, travel to Turkey and Portugal and hey, maybe even Spain. If I'm rich.

Sadly, however, I didn't realize that the Hajj is actually in very early December this year. I won't know for sure until I get another job, but I'm a little doubtful that I would be able to raise enough money to go anywhere by that time.

So I'm going to do my research. But for starters, the country possibilities are Brazil, Portugal/Spain, and Turkey. I would like to take a little excursion to Mexico also, if possible (ideally with friends and by car). But that's lower on the agenda, so if it costs any substantial amount of money, that one's getting delayed.

Another deadline I'm dealing with: I will likely need to find a new place to live after December.

And so, out of no where, an agenda and some guidlines. Finally, something to focus on.

Updates to follow, of course :)